Dear God

To whom it may concern,

I’m surrounded by world full of people pretending to be someone that they are not, not that I am any different. I put on a face and a good show, the typical holy “set free from sin” act. But am I truly holy? And if so, how do I justify these sins in me, these sins that seem to haunt my being? No matter how hard I try I try to defeat them, it seems they always come back to knock me down again. And what’s this thing about “free”, if I am free, why do I feel like I’m trapped, like I’m bound up in something I don’t want to be in? Or do I? And maybe that’s where the biggest contradiction in my life lies. I say one thing and live another. I say I don’t want to sin yet do. I say I hate my sin yet find myself held in its arms time and time again. Is this hate? And is this love, my daily betrayal of Christ? Can I truly look Him in the face and say “I love you” as the scent of my lovers fills the air? Is there anyone who can set me free? Is there any way out of this? I’m tired of playing the game. I can’t just go on pretending that everything is OK when it’s not or to be someone that I know I am not. It seems that truly the only way out of this is death, yet there lurks in me a fear of death; a fear that if I die, my charade will be exposed before and all-knowing and holy God; the charade of being a “man of God” while in fact I am not. I certainly am to be listed with the biggest of frauds to ever carry a title in the church. My heart is evil and my desires distracted. What can I do to escape from myself? Wherever I go, I am sure to be, along with all of my inconsistencies. And worse yet, He is there as well, a witness to my hypocrisy. I find it hard to believe that he still loves me if He ever did. I know in my heart that it must be true, but it just doesn’t work in my head. I am the great betrayer, the faker, the liar, and He knows it. I wake each day to see that I am still me and the disappointment quickly sets in. I know what today holds, I’ve been here before, lots of empty words, broken promises and more moral failures. Who will rescue me from me? Why won’t God just change me? I hate myself. I hate what I am. And I hate what I’m afraid I could be. And if God still loves, that’s the greatest mystery of all. Why can’t I be the man that I want to be, the priest in my home, the man who seeks God, and the man who walks in holiness? I’ll tell you why, because I have yet to break from my sin. I am constantly dragged down by that weight of things that I daily choose. I am drowning in my sin by my own choosing. I believe that He would set me free if only I would truly want to escape. And here I find the greatest irony, why is it that I love that which is killing me, that which has stolen my joy, that which causes me to detest my very being? Yet, I’m not sure that I love it although the draw seems more than I can bear. I say no and then live yes. God, please forgive. I am less than you hoped for and surely a great disappointment to you. Please help me to someday come out of this mud filled pit, to truly hate this filth and live for you. You are my hope.

Undeserving